SGM Survivors

Hi, my name is Anne (Hi, Anne) and I am a SG survivor. I started attending right after college graduation in 1986–and stayed there, miserably trying to be godly enough to be accepted. I married a former TAGer who got the “men rule” part, but not the “servant leadership” or the “support your family” parts. So I went to work, had a baby and prayed that my husband would step up so we wouldn’t starve and began church counseling.

Eventually I went to work to provide for our little family and prayed. The church went through Biblical Counseling and all that focus on my sinfulness and the three trees and replacing bad fruit with good fruit scared me. My child didn’t quite fit the mold–now I know that he has both LD and ED issues, but then I thought it was just me. I hated the Ferberizing. I hated the moralizing about how harmful watching Arthur on PBS was. I didn’t want to spank a toddler–and hated to hear about moms who had spanked their kid 10 times that morning only to discover he had an ear infection. My husband left marks on our toddler–that my mom photographed. I should have left then.

My boy started at CLS in kindergarden, but he learned differently and slowly and melted down when the principal tried to spank him. So we withdrew him and put him in public schools where his individual needs would be addressed better.

We had another baby. Our new care group decorated the door and brought food. The CG leader and the pastor counseled my husband again about providing for the family. We talked about the “anger” issues at home. The answer was more prayer, more submission on my part, more church counseling. I started working fulltime, so we might find some minimal financial security (a small townhouse).

My beautiful 8 year old grew so despairing that he talked about drowning himself in the bathtub–our first trip to the ER soon followed, and meds, and a therapist. She wondered why he was so angry. His father tried to discipline him by casting out demons, by pinning him to the floor, by punching holes in the wall/door and more. He regularly told me that I should be grateful that he still wanted me, that we didn’t deserve nice things or kindness, that the LORD had told him to pursue this opportunity and someday it will all pay off, and on and on. He refused to pray with me because I didn’t have a prayer language. My despair grew–I had no girlfriends at church (in part because I was employed not home, my kid was in public school not at CLS or homeschooled, and there just isn’t enough time to seek out those who aren’t in the carpool lane with you, especially those who are bruised reeds), my home life was so NOT CLC, and my extended family just wanted me out of there.

I did not sign the Covenant–it worried me, smacking of The Scarlet Letter and The Crucible. I grew increasingly frustrated with the pastors’ attempts to address serious mental illness as sin, to see abuse as just another opportunity to practice peacemaking and to complete a three-trees model, to be handed Puritan texts (like the Doctrine of Repentance) as if they were the cure-all, and more.

However, when my son was hospitalized again in 2005 and I thought it very likely that Child Protective Services would be “visiting”, they did agree to let the Care Group help me get my husband out of the house. Periodically we would meet together with the pastors to continue counsellng–and he grew increasingly hostile with them until he was disfellowshipped in 2007. He still attends CLC regularly.

In October, I attended my last Sunday morning service at CLC when the ladies were singing and dancing about submission–and have not been back since. I’ve done some church shopping–and am attending lovely Episcopal church that is radically welcoming, non-hierarchical, with both male and female ministers. My son enjoys the Sunday evening service which gets it all done in 45 minutes–after years of messages alone that lasted that long (even in the youth meetings). My daughter alternates–a week with Dad and a week with Mom.

When I read about the Castillo children–and what that Mom went through–and saw that she had only sought a “limited divorce” (basically a legal separation) I wondered if her pastors had told her that divorce was forbidden (except in cases of adultery)–as the CLC pastors had told me and other wives in abusive marriages. And I wept–as I did again reading the stories on this blog. Why? Why? Why? Why?

God has been so faithful to keep me close to Himself, to speak to me in the wilderness.
“And yet, I feel confident in this, I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.”

Hi Anne, welcome to the board. Your story is so sad, especially hearing what your son has gone through. I can see that God is taking care of you though, I pray that you and your children will experience the healing love of the Father every day and he'll surround you with loving supportive believers too.

Hi Anne, welcome! Thanks for telling your story!

Today, I got the following email--a solicitation on behalf of CLC's school--though not from the school itself.


Here's what I wrote back:


This disgusting rhetoric comes from a well-educated professional man. This is one of the things I hate most about CLC--the fear-mongering, the withdrawl into little CLC warrens, scurrying from church to school to baseball teams completely filled with CLC kids to church to choir to piano lessons at church to back to neighborhoods where they only befriend other "good" CLC families.

Hi, Anne!!! Love you. Back when we were both still single, I remember hanging out with my girlfriends who were new CLC moms, and listening to how it hurt their hearts to "apply the rod" the way they were instructed. Like you said, ten times before lunch. Disgusting. And they were afraid -- indeed, not allowed -- to trust their own bone marrow! God gives women the wisdom to mother these dependent creatures down in our bones. Men value point-to-point, straight line thinking: He does wrong, hit him. But women value connectedness and relationship, and what does a literally dependent, helpless child need to be safe and sane in this world? Connectedness and relationship! There are many years in which to perfect behavior. It ain't gonna happen before a two year old's lunchtime. I just hate, hate it. I have seen the fruit of the best CLC had to offer in this department firsthand: One day, the daughter of one of the then-PDI leaders came out to the barn to visit my horse. She was expressionless. She made little eye contact. She was eminently polite, but lifeless and joyless in an alarming kind of way. Suddenly it dawned on me: She was abused!! She would not express an opinion about what she might or might not want to do that lovely spring day and I could tell she was AFRAID. I had heard her Dad, from the pulpit-ha-highschoolstage, talk about how he "applied the rod to the bod" of all his children one day because they were grumbling about carrying laundry or something. GRUMBLING! Give me a break. CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW MANY TIMES THIS LITTLE GIRL HAD ALREADY BEEN HIT BY THE AGE OF TEN? She was so guarded, there was almost noone home. Thank God, I thank God with all my heart that you are OUT, girl. Hallelujah!!!! I will pray for restoration for your children, that God will restore the years eaten by the locust, and that He will bring relief into your life, into your very soul, after what you have been through. May the balm of Gilead ease, heal, and restore you. And may we see each other a lot in the real, free, kingdom of God. xxoo

Can someone please call child protective services? This is abuse-in any other institution (such as the "evil" public school described in CLC's email) there would be a public outcry. Just because it's a church doesn't mean it shouldn't be reported. God help us.

Margaret-welcome to the board.

That is the frightening thing about this organization, in my view: They convince you that this is how it SHOULD be. At the time, and this was fifteen years ago, it never occurred to me to call CPS. I don't think I even knew who they were. Now that I'm an adult and have gotten out, I see it so clearly, just like you! It sickens me. These moms go everywhere with a wooden spoon in their purse. Bleah. And thank you for the welcome!

Okay guys...I spanked my children with a wooden spoon occasionally and they all turned out just fine. The little stinkers needed it every now and then!

I am definitely a proponent of spanking, within reason and not abusively. And yes, you can spank without being abusive. Trust me on this one! We used other forms of discipline that worked effectively most of the time, but for those occasional phases of defiance, only the "rod" would do. No amount of talking, taking away a privilege, or timeout will achieve the result you want. The key is well-defined boundaries and consistency, and an immediate consequence as soon as the boundary is crossed.

I definitely saw the abuses within SGM that you've all described. At times it would bother me to the point of considering calling the authorities. Even worse was the emotional abuse of children never feeling like they measured up enough to warrant the approval of their own parents. Can you imagine growing up with a steady dose of "I am (you are) the worse sinner", "you're prideful", or "you're lustful. I've watched young men constantly walk with their eyes cast down for fear they would be accused of looking at a young girl inappropriately, not lustfully mind you, but out of the natural attraction that God gave them. I've seen what growing up without trust does to children, for afterall, "who can trust the heart, for the heart is deceitful". The ultimate abuse occured when the book "Growing Up Christian" arrived on the SGM book tables and parents started questioning whether or not their children were in fact "saved". It was awful, absolutely awful. Virtually every parent of older children that I knew was questioning their child's salvation.

I'm sorry...you certainly didn't ask for all this Please forgive me...the emotional abuse thing has been weighing on my mind recently and your posts simply got me to thinking about it again. It was nothing anyone said.

Please pardon my rambling and continue with your discussion!

Kindred-

What you just described is fine-I agree an occasional spank can be part of the whole "toolbox" for discipline.

The problem I saw, is that many parents/ pastors saw spanking or "the rod" as the only appropriate form of discipline. This overemphasis leads some to use physical force as the only way to discipline and can easily cross over into physical (as well as emotional ) abuse. Little or no time was taken to discuss discernment as parents. Is your child sick (this will affect behavior), is it possible your child has a learning or sensory disorder?, etc...all these things can contribute to misbehaving, but not all misbehaving is due to original sin. As a parent of child on the autism spectrum-I can tell you that spanking is probably the worse way to discipline a child with sensory disorders.

That is my biggest problem with what I saw at SG. Too much emphasis on the child's sin and not much teaching on parents duty to love their children with understanding and patience.

Yes, this was some of the abuse I saw as well Musicman...

As I've said on another post, it's as if SGM members disengage their minds when leadership speaks. What parent would listen to such advice?

Kindred

I would agree with you that sometimes you can't just reason with a child etc. and spanking is necessary. Like with a lot of things there needs to be balance. There is discipline a child when appropriate and breaking a child's spirit when spanking is done to an extreme.

What time period did the book you reference show up? I am assuming that this showed up after SG moved to the Reformed/Calvinistic belief of "sovereign grace."

If so, this is another contradiction they are showing to this belief they adopted. With Calvinism/Sovereign Grace God one believes that God decides when and if He is going to save one. With this belief system man has no choice about salvation.

Here again Sovereign Grace may say they believe in a sovereign grace but when it hits home and affects their children they have a hard time accepting it.

I know I repeat myself occasionally on this but is interesting to see the dichotomy of what they say they believe and what they do in practice.

It came out in 2005.

http://www.growingupchristian.com/book.html

Overall, it was a pretty good book. There was one section on "presuming oneself to be saved" and some of the leadership and parents jumped on it and went on a massive witch hunt.

I'm sure you all know that Growing Up Christian was written by none other than CLC's own High School Principal, Karl Graustein. I won't go into too much detail on that one (another day, another topic), but I would say that 'witchhunt' was a terrific description. I am all too familiar with kids who were comfortable in the knowledge of saving faith only to be shaken to the core on this belief that they now have to undergo the test of time (God help us all if that's the standard we'd be held to). And then to make matters worse, they RIP the communion cup right out of their hands on the presumption that because now, the genuine nature of their faith is in question and they can no longer participate in the sacrament. Arggghhh!!!! (we need a 'seething anger' emoticon, but this will have o do)
OT F

Unbelievable OTF...the list just keeps getting longer

WHAT??
I would say "You're kidding"???!!!! ....but I know that you are not.

That is HORRENDOUS.

My own son told me that by the end of our time at our SGM that his faith in the Lord had just about been destroyed. If the communion cup thing had happened, that probably would've put the icing on the cake, so to speak. :/